Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
