i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
