Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
