I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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