you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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