Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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