phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
