Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
