Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
