Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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