6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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