You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
