: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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