I just made out with a guy for $7.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
