I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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