So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
