You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
