I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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