God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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