i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
