I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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