i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
