I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
