Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
