Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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