Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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