Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
