EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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