My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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