Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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