I can tuck mytits in my pants
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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