Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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