i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
