the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
