Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
