Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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