Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
