Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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