my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
birth control should be required to get into college
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
