so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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