The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
