You really coming over, don't trick.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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