Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
