billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
