Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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