New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
