so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
