I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
false alarm, still single
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
