I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
