If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
